Poor Denver News Anchors... today you were forced to report the story about this man (see picture to the left), who kidnapped two hikers near Nederland. This stellar police drawing reminds me of another fantastic drawing of a suspected criminal....

THE ALABAMA LEPRECHAUN.

If you have not yet seen the video, check out this link... I don't care about the leprechaun, watch the news anchors!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8

Today, Gregg Moss's mole (GMM) appeared sunburned, Poor GMM! Here is a special Haiku just for GMM...

Red hot precious mole,
What happened yesterday, yo?
Not protected well

Becky Ditchfield, a.k.a. "Becky Nerdfield"

Details: Becky is the proud owner of 47 woolcoats for her reports from the 9News "Backyard". You may think that Becky is hip and fashionable but it all a cover-up. Lurking beneath the hair highlights and expensive cosmetics is a super-nerd. Becky's true colors can occassionally be witnessed when Gary Shapiro makes stupid comments to her, like, "Becky, do you think flash floods are awesome?," or "Becky, I bet that snowstorm will kill a few hundred homeless pets tonight..," to which Becky retorts with a few giggles and definate SNORTS.

Kathy Sabine, a.k.a. "Man Hands"

Details: You might think that Kathy is petite, but check her out next to any other anchor- she is actually 6'9". 9News has actually created a second, "Backyard," especially for Kathy to report your weather from- equipped with 150% scale props so as to fool you. Don't believe me? Check out where her anchorsuit sleeves hit her midforearm instead of the wrist. Those glorious wool suits ain't 3/4-sleeved, Kathy just has a wingspan of 9 feet. Check out her hands in relationship to Ashton Altieri's head- he looks like a teacup yorkie compared to her.

Gregg Moss, a.k.a "Mr. Potato Head"

Details: Gregg is featured in the segment, "Where is the world is.......Greeegggg Moss?," a quirky, pre-dawn, irrelevent segment that I regularily TiVo. Poor Gregg is forced weekly to go somewhere in Denver at 4:30 a.m. to interview local vampires who work in schools and bakeries. I pray that Gregg never ends up reporting from a potato processing plant, because his head might accidently get peeled and end up as part of some KFC mashed potato bowl .

Gregg also reports as a business anchor but nobody cares about that.

Mark Koebrich, a.k.a. "Superanchorman; Ken; Mr. Credible"

Details: Mark was a diamond in the ruff for 9News. He was picked up at the Discount Superstore for News Anchors to replace the handsome and expensive Bob Kendrick. Never has 9News picked up such a bargain. Mark's glorious anchorhair alone was worth the price! Mark makes the other anchors look like interns. He is smooth, with just the right, "I am better than you," attitude. He is paired with Kim Christiansen. Stay Classy.......Planet Earth.

Watch Mark on the evening news then switch over to other channels to see just how amazing he is. He has chunks of guys like Ron Zappolo in his stool.

Nick Carter, a.k.a. "Not the Backstreet Boy, Nick Carter"

Details:Nick used to be a fabulous 9News weatherman, but like his boy band namesake, his popularity has waned, replaced by the younger and more chipper Ashton Altieri. You can still occasionally catch Nick on air singing "I Want It That Way," much to the delight of his now middle-aged fans... Oops, wrong Nick.